Seeing Round Corners

There have been several times in my life when I had no idea what I was getting into. Times when, had I known, I would have backed away – said no, never, not for me – and yet not possessing this foresight, I entered blindly…

… and then, seeing what lay before me, thrashed and struggled like a fish on a line; railed at having been duped; howled at the moon for the hoodwinking, the trickery, the injustice that I had not seen this coming.

(Really the howling was at myself; on every occasion I had known it was going to be hard, had counselled myself to steel my nerve and stiffen my sinew; and yet had failed utterly to foresee how hard; to comprehend the depth, and breadth, and height of valleys and oceans and mountains to be tackled.)

Every time, I could have washed my hands of the whole endeavour and walked away; but I knew that to do so would inflict greater long-term damage than I was willing to tolerate. It was too late, I was committed, and now I was stuck between a rock and hard place with few acceptable choices but the grim determination to ride it out.

And looking back and invoking those feelings of rage and entrapment and torment and frustration which so infuriated me at the time, I am deeply grateful for every one of these hard times. I wouldn’t change a single one of them, and if I could go back I’d do it all over again.

Sometimes the lessons were mere weeks in the learning; sometimes years. Sometimes it’s been ‘thank god that’s over and thank god I did it’. Sometimes it’s taken revisiting a place where once I was miserable and resentful, now feeling enriched and grounded and wiser, to feel the lesson sink into my bones. Will I remember this, the next time I enter blindly and find myself thrown off course, thrashing wildly, miles out of my depth? Will I remember that eventually it will pass, and that eventually I’ll be the riper for it? Will I remember that the hardest times have the deepest lessons?

If I’d known what I was in for, I would never have done these impulsive things; would never have had these unusual, challenging experiences and learned these lessons. If I’d looked – really looked – I would never have leaped. Had I known what I was getting into, I would never have got off the starting blocks. I’m so glad I was –  am –  ignorant, naïve, foolish, reckless. I’m so glad that I can’t see round corners.

Photo by Henry Lo on Unsplash

6 thoughts on “Seeing Round Corners”

  1. Hey Becky, I accidentally stumbled over your profile, really love the speach `seeing round Corners` hope i get it right you got the same thinking as me, love what you do and allways remember that when you get to hard in buissnes mood, do it loud and proud and sometimes wrong but allways with a open mind&ear for different ways to go, accept there is no way and realy no way speeding up things or let it roll this old rock n roll world faster. We crossed path last summer in Switzerland hope see ya soon, if you see him say a verry warm hello to Ben…Monitor Clair Boy Philippe

  2. You’re such an inspiration.
    I agree with so much of this. I have jumped off metaphorical cliffs all my life into the unknown. Regretted at first feeling that utter trepidation but never regretted anything in the end. Am finding it gets harder to jump as I get older because of being a little wiser and (wairier?) but am about to do it again.
    “Nothing ventured, nothing gained”.
    “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. Etc etc.

  3. ‘I’m so glad I cant see round corners’ is going to become a new mantra for me Becky! I’ve gotten myself into a few precarious situations ski touring recently and I would never have entered those if I’d foreseen them at the start of the day.

    But in a difficult situation the body and mind just know what to do and you get yourself out of it. Then confidence in yourself grows.

    If we never push ourselves can we ever grow? Can we ever have confidence in ourselves that we will be fine when shit really hits the fan?

    Thanks lovely xxx

    1. I’m so glad it struck a chord with you lovely! You’re so right about confidence. After all, if you’re still here, you have a 100% survival rate in everything you have ever encountered! 🙂

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